Guess what I went to see a while back! If you guessed that I'd seen the new Hobbit film (about a million years after everyone else) then you'd be right.

Click read more for my text-heavy spoilery thoughts:

So. Overall I thought this film was ok. Not good. Not great. But ok. A lot of my friends, including the friend I went to see it with, preferred it to the first film. Personally, I enjoyed it less than the first instalment. Why? Well.

Contents:
1. I am watching an action film
2. Oh Beorn
3. Suddenly we're in Mirkwood?
4. Party King doesn't party
5. Laketown
6. Cumbersmaug
7. But there were some good parts
8. Overall verdict

***

1. I am watching an action film

I think the first time I got an inkling as to what to expect from this film was during the trailers before it started. There was not one trailer that didn't have an explosion in it, and to be honest they all looked dire. You may gather that I am not a fan of action films. Some can be good, I'm sure, but most are teenage boy wish-fulfilment epics that have more fight scenes than originality. When all the trailers are aimed at teenage boys it does not bode well for what is to come (unless you are a teenage boy, in which case: lucky you).

Look. I don't mind that. The Hobbit contains fight scenes. It's fantasy, sword and sorcery; it's to be expected. My problem is that we only seemed to get fight scenes and nothing else.

I knew from the first film that this second helping was going to be indulgent, that it would be overly long (seriously, you could have made one film, guys. One film.) and that the pacing would be terrible. But I didn't realise they were going to extend it while still not having any time for characterisation or, you know, anything that requires more thought than: axey axey chop chop swordy stab.

2. Oh Beorn

What have they done to you, my friend?

I can almost understand why Beorn got sidelined. The Hobbit: the book is silly. The Hobbit: the film is serious. And the whole bit with Beorn in the book is a little bit silly and a little bit weird.

But still. Poor Beorn. I thought he was supposed to be impressive and old and wise, not a guy moping about the loss of his family with excessively hairy eyebrows. Right? He lacked screen-time and dignity. Also (and here's the crux of it) wasn't Beorn meant to be hot? Was that all in my head? I'm crying.

3. Suddenly we're in Mirkwood?

You know, the first film spent a million years on every part of the book. The second film doesn't (and yet is still too long with all the extra fight scenes added in). They seemed to spend about five minutes crossing Mirkwood, tops.

The spiders were scary and horrible, yes, but also over very quickly. In the book this is a chance for Bilbo to prove himself and save the day by being smart. In the film it's a chance for more stabby stab stab. (And this is a trend that repeats itself over and over in this film. Sigh.)

One bit I did like, though, was Bilbo getting all violent over his ring (not a euphemism). That was good.

4. Party King doesn't party

Ok. I'll admit it. Thranduil was the reason I was so excited about this film. He looked like he would be fun, feisty and fabulous. I was sad, therefore, when we really didn't get to see much of him at all.

Film, your Thranduil:Legolas ratio is all out of whack. I want more Thranduil talking to Thorin. I want more Thranduil generally being camp and imposing. And I definitely want more elf party time.

(As an aside: what was all that about Thranduil and dragons? What happened to him? And is he seriously just keeping his face together through pure will-power? Facial will-power?)

So, the dwarves are all locked up in the dungeons. This is the chance for Bilbo to shine, but once again, we don't get to see him being clever. It's just, oh yeah barrels, and they're out of that place in the twinkling of an eye. Followed by a thousand hours of Legolas killing bad guys in a 'cool' way. I don't get it. Did a Legolas fan write this film? They can't have done. Because if they did, Legolas would definitely have been wearing fewer clothes.

Tauriel was ok. I found it a bit weird that they purposely added a female character for modern 'equality' reasons and then made her raison d'être the fact that she's in the middle of a love-triangle. As if there are absolutely zero romance-free plotlines possible for the Captain of the Guard in an extravagant underground elf city. Um.

Her relationship with Kili is cute though; I'll admit it. And, Jesus, what is it with these Mirkwood elves and falling for dwarves? Oh, Legolas, you think Tauriel is the one for you but little do you know what the future has in store for you. (Makes me wonder which dwarf Thranduil has the hots for.)

5. Laketown

Enough ranting. Here's a good bit. Bard was sexy. Laketown was cool. I liked the whole Medieval town thing they had going on there. It looked good.

And it was a pleasant surprise to see Stephen Fry involved too.

They seemed to spend more time in Laketown. Perhaps that's why I enjoyed it? The characters actually had conversations with each other! (Well, a bit anyway.)

6. Cumbersmaug

And then there's the part everyone had been waiting for. Smaug.

Personally, I liked Smaug. The CGI was very good. ( If not quite as sexy as I'd hoped .) And I liked the acting, especially the way he kept walking all over stuff.

Once again, though, I was disappointed. In the book this is another point where Bilbo is meant to do something clever. Instead, in the film, Bilbo just runs around a bit and then Thorin and Co come down for an endlessly long and tiring fight scene. Meanwhile, Gandalf is having his own fight scene, as are the dwarf-elf combo in Laketown. I just. Ugh. Can't anyone have a conversation in this film without slitting someone's throat? Just for five minutes?

Then, as expected with the middle film of a trilogy, we get the end. Good. Ahaha.

I was wondering where they were going to end this instalment. As it is, we get Smaug flying off to Laketown and Bard running around with an arrow. I know what we've got to come next, but how they're going to eke it out into a whole film is beyond me. Let me tell you, I'm not waiting with baited breath.

7. But there were some good parts

Sauron was cool. I think Sauron is cool. It was good to see him in the film. I never used to enjoy Sauron as a character, but I have since been spoiled by Phobs' pretty blonde Sauron. I know Sauron isn't pretty by the time of The Hobbit but I like to think that if he could be pretty, he would try his hardest to be the prettiest giant flaming eyeball that anyone has ever seen.

Speaking of which, I did quite enjoy them showing us what Gandalf was running off and doing. In the books Gandalf is always pissing off at the most important points. He's like: "Sorry, guys. I've really got to go. I've just remembered I have a... uh... thing. And it's like totes important so I'd better go and, you know. Oh yeah, and good luck with the spiders and shit. I'm sure you'll be fine." So I rather enjoyed seeing Gandalf's side of things fleshed out a bit.

I'm seriously trying to think of more complimentary things to say but I'm having trouble. Um. Richard Armitage was in it? With his face? That's always a recipe for a good time.

8. Overall verdict

I've heard people say that they liked this film better than the first. I'd actually say that I liked this film less. That's not to say it's a worse film, mind, but that it has all the problems of pacing without any of the nostalgia involved with seeing a new Tolkien-based film for the first time in ten years.

So, the pacing was bad again. Only this time, they also managed to tediously dwell on the fighting (even adding more) while scrimping on characterisation and everything else. How is it possible to not have time to fit any characterisation into such a bloody long film?

I just. Where was my drunken elf party, guys? Where was it???

So, yes, I have the DVD on pre-order and, yes, I'll be watching the final film. But let it be known that this is purely out of misguided loyalty on my part and not because I think The Hobbit is a good set of films.