The most exciting part of the whole thing was the wedding cake. Here's a photo of it:

OMG. Look at it! That's no ordinary cake! It's cheese! It's cheese in the shape of a cake! (I want to call it a cheesecake! But it's not made of cheesecake! It's just made of cheese! Cake-shaped cheese!)

I think I may be very uncultured here, but I've never seen anything like it before :O

Now, I do like me some cheeses. Unfortunately, I don't like blue cheese, and the blue cheeses in this cake were so strong that all the other cheeses got tainted by it. Even the brie :(

That doesn't matter though. Look at it! Go on!

***

Janine enjoys historical things

In other news: I tend to consume historical-type stuff on a very frequent basis. Here are a couple of my recent favourites.

Meet the Romans with Mary Beard
Right. First I come clean.

The thing is: Roman stuff bores me. My parents go crazy over it but I've never managed to muster up the interest.

I think I have realised why. All the Roman stuff you come across here in the UK is either small country villas, military barracks, or if you're lucky, a bath house. And once you've seen one, it almost feels like you've seen it all. Oh look, underfloor heating. Woo :| Half of a mosiac :| :| This random lump in the grass used to be a temple :| :| :|

The UK was very much an outpost and you get the feeling that things were slightly cobbled together by the Romano-British people trying to live it up all posh like the Romans while actually living somewhere very far away and widely unimportant.

But! This show by Mary Beard! It's not about your everyday British Romans at all. It's about Rome! And not just about politics either but about the everyday lives of normal Roman people, living in the hustle and bustle of the largest city in the world (and there were a million people in that city, guys. That's huge for its time.)

Turns out, Romans in Rome are bloody exciting! The picture she paints is not of an orderly city but of a massive, rambling place that's filthy and noisy and alive, growing almost organically, and far closer to a shambolic medieval city than to the wide, spacious, clean cities of today.

I've got one more episode left to watch. I'm going to watch it with this expression :DDDD

And then I'm going to wish I can go back to Rome on holiday at some point because it is so pretty and so old and the ice-cream is so good.

The Time Traveller's Guide to Medieval England: A Handbook for Visitors to the Fourteenth Century
I didn't mean to read this book, guys. I didn't plan it. What happened was that sneaky Amazon sent me one of those 'You bought this and other people that bought this also bought this other thing, and we thought that if you liked that then you might like this other thing go on buy it go on go on' emails. I fell for it like a kipper. The title looked interesting, so I clicked through to the Amazon page, and then I read the extensive preview chapter, and then I realised that I wouldn't be able to live without this book in my life so I bought the ebook immediately and consumed it over the course of one weekend.

What's good about this book is exactly what's good about the Roman programme I've just talked about, only better. It's about everyday life in medieval England and what it would be like to live there. But not only that; it's written in a very vivid way. The author goes out of his way to describe things with a level of detail that is normally only reserved for fiction. You end up almost feeling like you're there.

From where to stay and what to wear and where to go and what to eat, this book pretends that you are going to visit medieval England and basically tells you what to expect when you arrive.

Let me give you an excerpt:

"It is the cathedral which you will see first. As you journey along the road you come to a break in the trees and there it is, massive and magnificent, cresting the hilltop in the morning sun. Despite the wooden scaffolding at its west end, the long 80ft high, pointed lead roof, with its flying buttresses and colossal towers, is simply the wonder of the region. It is hundreds of times bigger than every other building around it, and dwarfs the stone walls which surround the city. The hundreds of houses appear tiny, all at chaotic angles, and of different shades and hues, as if they were so many stones at the bottom of a stream flowing around the great boulder of the cathedral. The thirty churches - though their low stumpy towers stand out from the mass of roofs - seem humble by comparison."

For a weekend, I was almost there.

If you like history and you like medieval stuff, then go check out the preview pages on Amazon. Go on go on go on. It's fascinating.

The same author has written a similar book about Elizabethan England, which I will doubtless read at some point, but I know less about medieval stuff so I decided to pick up this one first :D

This show didn't get very good reviews but I enjoyed it. Less soap-opera-y than Downton Abbey and also more tragic. I think it's the whole based-on-a-true-story, hundreds-of-people-actually-died-like-this part that really got me sobbing. Apparently, IRL, one of the first bodies they picked up when they went around collecting the dead afterwards was a baby D:

So, go on then. Here's the trailer: http://youtu.be/6b4Gc1JcunY

I love how in every dramatisation of the Titanic story, it has to start with people shouting: What!? We don't need that many lifeboats! We've got plenty! What's wrong with you, man!?
My, is that some foreshadowing?

If you're feeling too emotional and need a pick me up, have a look at French and Saunders' spoof, The Making of Titanic.

So, yes, with the centenary there's been lots of Titanic stuff around and it's been good to learn more about it, and also sad, but I'm kinda glad that we're coming to the end of it now, because whenever anybody mentions Titanic anywhere, I get that bloody My Heart Will Bloody Go On and On song stuck in my head. Every time! I blame it on my age. I was about 13 when the film came out, and when your school is filled with hundreds of rampant teenage Leonardo DiCaprio fans, it is impossible to escape that song. I can remember my friends singing it and crying. (Personally, I didn't see the film until I was about 21, so the whole hysteria was completely lost on me.)

Today, in 'Stupid things I try to convince my work colleagues are true!'
- Did you know that Celine Dion was Leonardo DiCaprio's stunt double in Titanic? That's why she's on the boat in the music video!

1. Twenty Twelve
The first series of this show was great. The second series may be even better. If you like fake documentaries that are as cringeworthy as they are hilarious, then this one is for you. It's about the team behind this year's Olympic games and the best bit might be how you can almost believe it's real.

Here's a clip. (I think this one might only work in the UK. Sorry, I could only find clips on the BBC channel. Give it a try though.)

One of my favourite quotes is a bit of PR-nonsense from Head of Deliverance, Ian Fletcher, when asked if the Olympics were facing mounting problems:
Well, problems are just solutions waiting to happen, so that's all good.

Also, since watching last week's episode, I can't stop saying 'Jubilympics' in Siobhan's accent. Jubilympics. Like she says, that word's a breeder.

2. Horrible Histories
Aaaah! There's a new series! I kinda love this show to pieces. It's a children's show and I don't care!

I would show you a clip from the new series, like the fantastic Wonders of the Universe spoof, oh god oh god. But the only clips from the new series that seem to be around so far are the songs.

Go on then. Watch this boyband-style song about the RAF. I didn't know I was a fan of moustaches until now D:

Since there aren't many new clips, let me spam you with some of my favourites from past series:
We Sell Any Monk
A Celtic rap battle
Danke Magazine
Aztec Come Dine With Me

Successful blogging: this is not what I'm doing.

So, to get over that, I've decided to ignore my 'things to blog about list' and instead tell you something completely different.

***

Things that happened this week:

There's a new company moving into the office below ours at work, and they've spent all of this week doing some building work. I think they're putting a new floor down or something. Whatever it is, it's resulted in a really annoying, almost constant, loud, grinding noise coming from the floor below us.

Every cloud has a silver lining though. The good part is that I've managed to convince my colleagues that this noise is, in fact, coming from a large, inter-dimensional portal that they're installing downstairs. If, of course, by 'convince my colleagues' you mean me shouting at them:

"Is there a portal downstairs? It sounds like a portal. You know, like a wormhole. Like one of those wormholes. And aliens will come out of it like in that film. You know, that film with the wormhole. And there's an army guy in it and that actor from that other show. Um, Stargate. It's like Stargate. There's probably a portal just like Stargate downstairs. Where do you think it leads to? Is it dangerous? I wish we had a portal in our office. Like a big vortex. I want to go in the vortex. Why can't I go in the vortex?"

Personally, I found it lots of fun. I think my colleagues may beg to differ.

The Moon's a Balloon - David Niven
I finished reading this book a while ago and I have been meaning to write about it ever since. What it is is David Niven's autobiography. Now, I'm not normally a fan of autobiographies but my parents said I should give it a go because it was good. Having read it, I can confirm that this book is indeed good. And by good I mean hilarious.

Don't know who David Niven is? Doesn't matter. Read it anyway! If you're interested: he was an actor back in the day who very obviously had a talent for humour because I'm not sure I've laughed that much at a book in a long time. The beginning, where he talks about growing up between two world wars, is particularly funny. Once he gets to Hollywood it turns into a bit of a name-dropping game and I found it harder to keep up, but it was still great.

Seriously. Read this book!

The Hunger Games trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Thanks to Mariya for lending me these books! I didn't even realise there was a film coming out, so that's good timing.

My review of the first book is this: It's certainly not the best written book out there. Parts of it rub me the wrong way for reasons I don't quite understand. But! This book catches your attention! The whole thing feels quite cinematic and the plot really pulls you along. It was one of those books that I found hard to put down because I really wanted to know what happened next, but at the same time I felt quite guilty about feeling that way. In fact, I would describe this as being a very similar feeling to the one I had when reading The Da Vinci Code.

My review of the second two books is this: These books don't have anyway near the gripping plot of the first book. It's hard to read the first book as a standalone because it's clear that there's more story to tell, but it is also hard to read the second two books afterwards because they're not very good. Now, to be fair to the books, it was only when I was a good way through the third book that I came across them in a bookshop and realised that they are young adult books. Then I felt silly, because of course they're not going to be as complex and engaging as other books. But let me criticise them anyway, just for fun :D The worldbuilding leaves a lot to be desired, the plot contains no subtlety whatsoever and the writing, while not actively bad, is no delight to read either. Not to mention the fact that I failed to become emotionally invested in any of the characters and found the main character actively unlikeable (although I think that was what the author was going for). That said, the books did redeem themselves with the ending when they proved themselves to be a bit more complex than I'd originally given them credit for.

In conclusion: The author does action well, which makes the first book quite a page turner. The rest is meh. Maybe it'd be best to skip the books and just watch the film.

***

TV

Noel Fielding's Luxury Comedy
I was planning on writing a review for this while the show was still airing, but it turns out that I had to watch and absorb the whole series before I felt ready to pass judgement.

To be honest, I still don't know what to make of it.

I think Noel Fielding is a funny man with a superb and mad imagination, but this show is no Mighty Boosh. It was all amusing, yes. And it was all interesting; my attention was rapt for the whole half hour each time. But it wasn't all funny.

There were bits that were funny, like anything with Secret Peter (sorry for the poor quality of these clips, they're all YouTube has got), Tony Reason or Fantasy Man.

There were bits that were amusingly surreal, like Daddy Push or Jeremy Beautiful Chest.

But there were also bits that were surreal and not funny and, Jesus, do we need that many rape jokes in the show? I don't think we need that many rape jokes in the show.

Conclusion 1:
Not as funny as The Mighty Boosh but captivatingly surreal all the same. By the last episode, I was almost beginning to get it.

Conclusion 2:
I've taken a liking to some of the music:
Tutting Mountains
Mash Potato Life Shapes

Conclusion 3:
Anyone else think that Bryan Ferry's kite for a head (pictured here with Tony Reason) looks a bit like Sherlock Holmes?

MasterChef
This is less of a review and more of a guilty admission. I got very caught up in this year's series of MasterChef. And I mean caught up to the point where I was dreaming about it on an almost nightly basis. Oh dear. Oh dear. It is a fun show though, because it is completely over the top. I am highly amused by the intense, dance music-fuelled cooking sequences, and by Gregg Wallace. Sadly, I don't have any clips of him from this series, but here's an older clip of him getting excited about some balls.

Also, if you haven't ever heard the buttery biscuit base song where have you been?

***

Music

The Twelves
The other week I excitedly remembered that The Twelves existed and went on a romp to go listen to some of their remixes that I hadn't heard before. Happily, I found that they're just as good as I remember them. Oh, sparkly electro disco. The Twelves, this is why I love you:
Something Good Can Work - Two Door Cinema Club (The Twelves Remix)
Sound Of Love - Husky Rescue (The Twelves Remix)

Last weekend, Steve, Heather and I flew over to Frankfurt to see Nick, and Linda drove across from Luxembourg too. The reason for the trip was to celebrate Nick's birthday but not Steve's (because celebrating birthdays early in Germany is unlucky and bad). Sorry, Steve, but you probably wouldn't have enjoyed a birthday party anyway.

Song of the weekend:
Baby by Justin Bieber (because someone was kind enough to give Nick a hardback Bieber biography as a birthday present. I am the best friend, I know.)

Time to recap our trip in a very image-heavy and text-light way because a picture is worth a thousand words, right? And it's late in the evening.

Frankfurt is called Bankfurt because it has a lot of banks in it, including the European Central Bank here, which is in the shape of a Euro. Nick didn't believe that Frankfurt was nicknamed Bankfurt, but it was on a sign at the Occupy Frankfurt protest so it must be true.

This is the main touristy square in Frankfurt which is close to the cathedral with the big dong (IT'S GOT A LOUD BELL OK GUYS). The buildings in this square look old but they're all lies. Unfortunately, Frankfurt got severely bombed in the Second World War so there's hardly anything around that pre-dates the 1950s.

Here is the Museum for Communication. We never went in because you have to pay and we are cheap, but it had an awesome robot on a horse outside so we all stopped to take photos.

That evening we had a red wine fondue with pork and beef (which were tasty) and shallots (which no-one enjoyed). Afterwards, we sat down for story time and Nick told us about the ups and downs of his love life, with the aid of a handy graph and also this music. It was very emotional. We were all seriously moved.

The next day we went to Bad Homburg, which is a pretty little spa town. We didn't find the statue of a rabbit that we were looking for, but we did find a schloss. This one was built by some duke or something? Idk. Nick wasn't able to furnish us with this information.

Inside the schloss was a tower that was (if I remember correctly) built in the 17th century. I think that's a statue of the duke in the tower. Here you can see Steve appreciating it.

Then it was time for traditional German food nearby. The place we went to had lots of stags heads on the wall. They were tiny stags too! I had the schnitzel and potatoes. Heather was all up for the sauerkraut until she got some and realised what it was.

That evening we went out on the town. I wore high heels for the first time in weeks (hooray!) and we went to a club that played electro swing. I might make another post about electro swing later. I'd never heard of it before, but it sounds a bit like this and it's quite possibly the best thing I've heard in a club ever. Dancing to it was seriously fun. Unfortunately, the club was very hot and very smoky so we couldn't stay for long because it was making us all feel ill :(

The next day we said goodbye to Linda and then went for a walk. On the route was a memorial to green sauce, a local Frankfurt delicacy. Apparently, in this case, 'memorial' means 'row of empty greenhouses next to a field'. Who knew?

The walk took us along the River Main. In the background you can see where they're building the new headquarters of the European Central Bank. I'm not quite sure why they're moving. It could be because that giant Euro has just gotten too small for them, but I like to think they're moving to get away from the occupy protest.

The rest of the day was filled with eating and taking impromptu naps because we were all quite tired from the day before.

On our final day we went for a walk in the woods. It was very nice until we almost got lost. Then Nick turned on the GPS on his phone and we realised that we were only a few metres from where we were supposed to be. Note for the future: use the bloody GPS!

In the woods there was a playground with swings and slides and everything, which we all played on because we are good at acting our age. There was also a maze. Heather and Steve got to the middle of the maze first. You can tell how enthralled Steve was about this.

Earlier in the holiday, when Steve was falling asleep in a café, this happened.
Nick: Steve, are you tired?
Steve: No, I'm just bored.

Well, then. Although we hadn't started listening to Bieber at that point, so maybe it was a fair assessment.

And that's all we did on our trip (well, there might have been other stuff, but I don't have photos of it so I've forgotten).

Before I go, a special mention (feel free to play this music again, guys) a special mention has to go to Malibu, who we met in Nick's flat. You might think that Malibu is a fridge, but no, Malibu is a cupboard that just looks like a fridge. I think Malibu has a special place in all our hearts.

Until we meet again, Malibu. Until we meet again.

I am still hobbling around in trainers. But at least I am now hobbling faster. Success! I think the pain is going too. I can walk well enough that I've now said 'screw you' to the bus and have started walking to the tube station again. Ah, it's so nice to be able to walk during my morning commute, even if it does hurt. Having to take twice the amount of public transport in the morning was giving me twice the amount of public transport-related rage.

Also, the swelling is going down. There's now a hint that I've got some ankle bones in there somewhere! Good. Let's just ignore the odd bruising for now though; I'm sure it's fine.

***

Tiger Update

So, the tiger apparently got tired of living in the kitchen. I came home one evening to find it staring at me from a darkened room:

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT ITS GAME IS. But, at least, in there it's less scary in a shocking way; now it's just scary in an insidiously creepy way. Good job, tiger.

Normally this room, which is my flatmate's spare room, is kept in the dark, but I got home a few days ago to find that the lights were on.

Ten minutes after that, I realised that I'd actually started singing an impromptu song to myself with the lyrics: 'Tiger's got the lights on. Tiger's got the lights on. Tiger's got the lights onnnn. Tiger. Tiger. Tiger. Tiger.' (It was quite a good song actually, but maybe you had to be there.)

***

Street music

This is a list I've compiled. It's a list of songs I have actually heard on the street because someone thought it would be fun to play them super loud on their car stereos.

Doctor P - Tetris Dubstep
I heard this one on the way home from work this evening. I had no idea that a dubstep version of the Tetris theme was an actual thing until tonight. In fact, when it started, I didn't realise it was dubstep, there was just this really loud tetris music playing. It was kind of cool for a moment. Then the baseline suddenly kicked in and, Jesus, it was so ridiculous that I was left giggling to myself on the pavement. I actually can't listen to this song without laughing; I think I might actually enjoy it.

Orbital - Doctor Who
This one was a couple of months ago. Just imagine the scene: It's 8:45am on a cold morning. At the side of the road is a nondescript white van. And coming from the van is this song so loud that you can hear it halfway down the road. I laughed at this one too. I just loved the fact that somewhere inside that van, there were a couple of white van men who thought that before nine in the morning was the perfect time to rock out hardcore to a dance remix of the Doctor Who theme tune. I don't even know any more.

Jimi Hendrix - Voodoo Child
Ok. I actually heard this one about four years ago, but it was so epic that I still remember it. I was walking down the road, minding my own business, when suddenly this intro started playing. It was so loud that I didn't even realise where it was coming from; the sound just seemed to be everywhere. For a good few moments, I actually thought that I was having a bit of a turn, and that my life now had a soundtrack, and that that soundtrack was awesome. It was only later that I realised it was coming from a van that was sitting at the traffic lights. But those few moments of ignorance were the best few moments of my life, guys. I'll never be as cool as that again.

***

Humour

Man, I've been reading some random blogs of people who are funny, including one person who's hilarious and only 17. I am so so jealous of all their talents. Seriously.

So, I have decided that my internet persona needs to be more amusing. Unfortunately, I don't have the energy to actually think up jokes and stuff, so what I'll do is just end my sentences with the following emoticon: XD
This will be your cue to pretend that I've just said something funny and laugh about it. Ok? Ok XD

Contents!
1. James and Eppa's housewarming
2. Snow weekend
3. Mysterious animals
4. Then the pain
5. Musical accompaniment

***

1. James and Eppa's housewarming
This was a cheap and cheeful housewarming party involving fish and chips, pissing in a flaky bathroom, the macarena, and a train-station-to-train-station trek through central London.

Also, completely to my surprise, I realised that I have now hooked Heather and Eppa onto caramelldansen. When two people, who you'd always thought were sensible, normal people, suddenly, and with no external prompting, start doing the caramelldansen dance, it is a moment of triumph :D

So, there was plenty of YouTubing, in which we watched the video in question. (It's nearly on its way to 40,000 hits now. Holy Moly.) Then we watched the lovingly-made mash-up, which I am really quite partial to (good call, to whoever made it). Subsequently, we all spent the rest of the weekend humming Barbara Streisand. I'm sorry, guys D: but it was also really fun.

Oh, yeah. We went and had a look at how the Shard Building is progressing too.

It's so tall! And so exciting! I'm a fan. When this beast is finished, I'm going to see if I can't go up it.

2. Snow weekend

Last weekend we finally had some snow! I went to the Saatchi Gallery with Susan just before the heavens opened. I did enjoy getting some culture, but the artwork there didn't catch my interest as much as on my previous visits. Shame.

The snow was fun though. I got to wear my new wellies. Then it melted. Hooray! Let's hope it doesn't come back. Snow, you are fun but also well annoying.

3. Mysterious animals

So, this appeared in my kitchen the other day.

I asked my flatmate about it, who told me that he'd found it up a tree :|

The most disconcerting thing is the fact that I kept forgetting it was there. For about two days I jumped each time I went into the kitchen. (I think maybe I am more scared of tigers than I first realised.)

4. Then the pain

You know, if you want to make things extra embarrassing, then you wait until all the snow has melted before you fall over. And for the place to do it, you decide to choose the middle of a busy crossing, in front of all the pedestrians and the drivers. And if you really really want some embarrassment, don't think of a good reason to trip, just fall off your own high heels. Yeah. That'll do it.

So, I sprained my ankle on Tuesday. In the middle of a pedestrian crossing, just as the lights were about to change. One minute, I was walking along, the next, I was on the floor. Because I didn't relish the thought of being run over, I scrambled up and dashed across the rest of the road. Then I stood at the side of the pavement thinking 'Oh Jesus. Oh Jesus. It hurts. I can't walk. I can't walk. I'm stranded.'

Luckily, it wasn't too bad a sprain and I could walk on it. Ok, well, hobble. I could hobble on it. So I hobbled to the bus stop and then I hobbled home. And I've been hobbling ever since. And my ankle has swollen up. And apparently these things can take weeks to heal.

Paracetamol-ed up, in my grotty trainers and elasticated ankle support, I am so graceful right now, guys. Like a butterfly!

Ah, but today I don't have to leave the house or walk anywhere. I am taking a breather and it's amazing.

Thankfully, I also have my new hobby to keep me occupied. Guys, if you're ever bored, just try reading your spam emails out loud in funny voices. What am I doing with my life? It is worth it.

5. Musical accompaniment

This section is for Steve (if you're reading) and anyone else who might share my taste in music. Here are some of the songs I've got on repeat right now:

Duck Sauce - Barbara Streisand
Justice - Newlands
The Rapture - How Deep is Your Love?